Trip to Big Sur

     I have improved a lot.  Last year, I couldn't have even thought of a trip to Big Sur.  Going that far would exacerbate symptoms and I wouldn't have been able to enjoy it.  This week, though, I was able to not only go, but enjoy it as well.  It still wasn't easy at times.  I have much more fear than I ever had before.  Before, I didn't have to stay so focused on doing the right things and keeping my mind as calm as possible.  The internal struggle is beyond what I could have understood before.
     I have been able to really appreciate my Dad and his journey.  Although at times I get frustrated by his attempts to control my Buddhist work, he told me on our trip that it's just because he really wants me to improve and he doesn't want me to overdo it - which actually made me feel pretty good
    But I more than got through the trip, even though the last few days were a bit rough.  I was able to recite one little house during the trip and I felt some improvement in the night terrors.  As I am writing this, I had a particularly difficult dream last night; but the night before was really positive.  I am looking forward to getting back on pace a little bit, and I will write back with changes - positive or negative - as I hopefully return to my normal pace of recitation.
    I am on day 6 of my daily 1 hour meditation goal for 80 days.  I have noticed clear improvements in my life and my well-being.
    Today, I am feeling slightly overwhelmed and very spent.  Physically, I would appreciate greater energy and ease.  I am looking out at a distant hurdle and these goals of mine are that hurdle.  Like anything in life, once we jump a hurdle, we still have a race to run.  I think I am scared about my future.  I also have a serious physical illness and I just don't know how many years my body can take this stress of physical and mental disease.  I guess I hope that by doing my meditation goal and by reciting little houses I will be able to have a much healthier and balanced life.  So maybe I am putting a lot on this goal - maybe I need to adjust the goal.  I think getting successfully to age 30 with greater health is a fantastic goal.