Recently a well regarded female lama in Nepal (whom I've met once) did several ceremonies to address my issue of spirit harm. They were quite successful and I've been doing a lot better. Recently the teacher who I learned the little house practice from told me that she no longer advises students to burn them, instead offering them without the burning. So far, I have done one without the burning and the results were not good. I will have to wait and see.
At this point, I am about 60% recovered from the serious mental illness that I had at the outset, which started in 2013. I am optimistic about continued improvement, but who knows if a full recovery is possible. My quality of life is significantly better and I'm hoping to be able to feel even better in the future.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Clarifying the Path, Or Clarifying "My" Path
The last several days and weeks I have been doing soul searching. It has been difficult, but very healing. One of the main considerations that has been coming up is where Buddhism fits into my life. In the past, after many successful periods of meditation, and sutra chanting, I have had very strong faith in the path and have been very comfortable in adopting many vows and commitments. In doing so, I have found much joy and freedom. And, in doing so I have occasionally felt confined. Some people say, "why the vows? why the commitments?" My answer would be the freedom I've found in self-restraint. But like anything, it can go too far. I've grown to understand that anything that becomes too one-sided is not desirable, heck it can be dangerous. I think that is why wise teachers advise using moderation.
So, I have felt a need to assign Buddhism a place in my life rather than the other way around (Buddhism assigning me a role). Not that anyone has demanded anything of me on the path. I have never been a monk. I have had great teachers, some quite strict... but they've all been fair, helpful, and brought me great joy. I think the feeling really comes from myself; the feeling that I in debt to Buddhism and the teachers. But this feeling will drive you wild- it's not healthy. So I've had to step back and look at my spiritual practice and faith and decide what I want- and try to define my own rationale for what the purpose is.
On the surface, it's not extraordinarily difficult because my spiritual life has given me joy and a sense of well being and contentment despite periods of tremendous adversity and struggle. How would I have fared without Buddhism? Not as well as I have, that is certain. As I sat in meditation practice at the Tibetan temple today, I was reminded that above everything else the person I am is what is important, as well as the decisions I make. And though I have great reverence for Buddhism, i have to remember that is my whole life that is also important- not just what I accomplish or fail to accomplish on my spiritual path. I would hope that my path would involve me approaching Buddhism and meeting it the way I am rather than having to conform to a certain special way of being or set of vows. That being said, I will keep the vows I have made because they have benefited me. But if something doesn't sit right, I am fully prepared to let it go. If I feel something is not supporting my best quality of life, what I feel that needs to be, I need to be able to abandon it for awhile or let go of it altogether.
What is the best quality of life? It may be an austere life, or a life of hard work, or a life of simple pleasures and good relationships. If you have the freedom to decide what that is for yourself, it is an amazing blessing. Not everyone gets to. I have at times, and at other times I haven't at all. I am careful to be as positive as possible, because I understand that I am always slightly at the whim of the higher power and, possibly, the realm of the ancestors. I can say, "Oh, I want life to be this way or I want to approach things like this, or I want to pursue this" but I know as well as anyone that as circumstances change, sometimes they don't seem to change in our favor. I had many years that i couldn't walk and it looked like I may not walk again for the rest of my life. I have a tremendous physical illness that has probably dramatically shortened my life and definitely caused more suffering that I can comfortably take. And probably as a result of this physical illness, I now have a devastating psychological illness. These circumstances cannot be avoided or overlooked... they have affected me deeply. But I also can't dwell on them too much. It would not be wise. And part of enduring a lot of suffering is learning to be wise with one's energy and words.
So now as I look forward... no, as I look to the present (!), I feel a need to examine my spiritual practice. First of all, I have asked myself if there is anything that needs changing. And what is the purpose? I have been practicing Tibetan Buddhism for just over one year. Before then, I practiced a form of Chinese Mahayana Buddhism for 5 years. Before then, nothing. I have adapted a consistent "Ngondro" practice, which hasn't been difficult. Yet it hasn't been easy, either. My mind is not as quite or free as it once was. So I cannot always enter a mental state of peace and trust which is so important to doing good spiritual practice. Also, I always have to remember how important it is to maintain a sense of joy or general goodness or a wish for others to have happiness and well being. Empty reciting it's very helpful for anyone.
Why do I do the Ngondro practice? Three reasons: 1) because I have faith in the teacher I have learned from (Tulku Orgyen Phuntsok) and this is a practice that he has done daily since he was a kid. 2) Because I have wanted to follow the proper teachings of this lineage, Nyingma, as close as I can so that I can experienced great spiritual and general health and well being (and it's not easy; the retreats which have helped my health so much are very arduous). 3) Because I was attracted to the text and felt a sense of comfort in reciting.
The Ngondro practice and accompanying Nyingma practices that I have adopted, such as the Sengdongma practice and Guru Rinpoche practices, I will continue with because I have experienced good benefit. I just want to have a proper relationship with the practices. Today at the temple, I felt a sense that I was contributing to something- this is the proper sense. When I participate in a ceremony or retreat, it is beneficial for me to feel a sense that I am doing something as part of a community. That won't always be the case; sometimes the practice is lonely. But when I am reciting in the temple, I like to feel that I am expressing gratitude to the teachers, and also that I am participating in a cultural ritual (like any religious service) which, hopefully, intends to support everyone on their individual paths to truth, self expression, service, and realization/success.
Now, I have to examine my relationship to my other serious spiritual practices. First, my meditation has not been consistent but I am practicing qigong everyday. My meditation is not consistent because I am in a lot of physical pain and by body cannot sit comfortably whether in a chair or on the ground. Going to a regular yoga class has been fantastic and I can feel the physical benefits and psychological benefits. Really no problems there, although I should try to meditate quietly for at least 10 minutes a day.
Finally, I have felt the need to examine the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, the main purpose of this blog. There is no doubt from my position that it can be a wonderful practice with tremendous healing benefits. Yet there is information that i have recently become aware of, from other respected Buddhist teachers in Malaysia, that are nor supportive of this practice. I think like most good things, there are drawbacks. In Guan Yin Citta, there are practices that must be undertaken with great care and responsibility. There are practices that do not conform to traditional forms of Buddhism. So I understand the controversy. But for now I have to believe that the good outweighs the bad. This practice can bring tremendous healing to people with devastating illness. It can help people to have smoother passing or transition from this life... But as much benefit as there can be, the risk is very serious. Probably more risk than most other Buddhist practices. But maybe more benefit too. Guan Yin Citta is like a really good medicine that must be given at a proper dosage or else there can be complications. Because of this, I have a hard time recommending the practice to others, although I have. The only way I would recommend the practice without any qualms is if a person has an incurable or untreatable physical or mental illness and there is nothing else that is effective. Guan Yin Citta can be miraculous. But for healthy people, the risk and responsibility may not be worth it. This is my view and comes from my own experience and impression. I think it is very likely that there are many others that have experienced such tremendous benefit that they would recommend the practice without hesitation. I am still reciting "little houses" regularly, though not as frequently as I'd hoped. I am finishing at least 1 or 2 per week. It is my current view that most of those who have used the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door have experienced good health and spiritual benefit. But I am certainly interested in hearing of people that have used the practice who have had a negative experience, just for informational purposes. If something is doing much more benefit than good, I believe that it will generally be accepted in time, even if there continue to be those against it.
I have asked prayed to my higher power, to the beings or teachers who i feel have an affinity with me for guidance. And as I wait for their call, I trust that a search for truth will always yield some fruit.
"Whenever I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they may seem invincible, but in the end, they always fail. Think of it: always." The ending quote from Gandhi, a fantastic movie and something I saw again last night.
So, I have felt a need to assign Buddhism a place in my life rather than the other way around (Buddhism assigning me a role). Not that anyone has demanded anything of me on the path. I have never been a monk. I have had great teachers, some quite strict... but they've all been fair, helpful, and brought me great joy. I think the feeling really comes from myself; the feeling that I in debt to Buddhism and the teachers. But this feeling will drive you wild- it's not healthy. So I've had to step back and look at my spiritual practice and faith and decide what I want- and try to define my own rationale for what the purpose is.
On the surface, it's not extraordinarily difficult because my spiritual life has given me joy and a sense of well being and contentment despite periods of tremendous adversity and struggle. How would I have fared without Buddhism? Not as well as I have, that is certain. As I sat in meditation practice at the Tibetan temple today, I was reminded that above everything else the person I am is what is important, as well as the decisions I make. And though I have great reverence for Buddhism, i have to remember that is my whole life that is also important- not just what I accomplish or fail to accomplish on my spiritual path. I would hope that my path would involve me approaching Buddhism and meeting it the way I am rather than having to conform to a certain special way of being or set of vows. That being said, I will keep the vows I have made because they have benefited me. But if something doesn't sit right, I am fully prepared to let it go. If I feel something is not supporting my best quality of life, what I feel that needs to be, I need to be able to abandon it for awhile or let go of it altogether.
What is the best quality of life? It may be an austere life, or a life of hard work, or a life of simple pleasures and good relationships. If you have the freedom to decide what that is for yourself, it is an amazing blessing. Not everyone gets to. I have at times, and at other times I haven't at all. I am careful to be as positive as possible, because I understand that I am always slightly at the whim of the higher power and, possibly, the realm of the ancestors. I can say, "Oh, I want life to be this way or I want to approach things like this, or I want to pursue this" but I know as well as anyone that as circumstances change, sometimes they don't seem to change in our favor. I had many years that i couldn't walk and it looked like I may not walk again for the rest of my life. I have a tremendous physical illness that has probably dramatically shortened my life and definitely caused more suffering that I can comfortably take. And probably as a result of this physical illness, I now have a devastating psychological illness. These circumstances cannot be avoided or overlooked... they have affected me deeply. But I also can't dwell on them too much. It would not be wise. And part of enduring a lot of suffering is learning to be wise with one's energy and words.
So now as I look forward... no, as I look to the present (!), I feel a need to examine my spiritual practice. First of all, I have asked myself if there is anything that needs changing. And what is the purpose? I have been practicing Tibetan Buddhism for just over one year. Before then, I practiced a form of Chinese Mahayana Buddhism for 5 years. Before then, nothing. I have adapted a consistent "Ngondro" practice, which hasn't been difficult. Yet it hasn't been easy, either. My mind is not as quite or free as it once was. So I cannot always enter a mental state of peace and trust which is so important to doing good spiritual practice. Also, I always have to remember how important it is to maintain a sense of joy or general goodness or a wish for others to have happiness and well being. Empty reciting it's very helpful for anyone.
Why do I do the Ngondro practice? Three reasons: 1) because I have faith in the teacher I have learned from (Tulku Orgyen Phuntsok) and this is a practice that he has done daily since he was a kid. 2) Because I have wanted to follow the proper teachings of this lineage, Nyingma, as close as I can so that I can experienced great spiritual and general health and well being (and it's not easy; the retreats which have helped my health so much are very arduous). 3) Because I was attracted to the text and felt a sense of comfort in reciting.
The Ngondro practice and accompanying Nyingma practices that I have adopted, such as the Sengdongma practice and Guru Rinpoche practices, I will continue with because I have experienced good benefit. I just want to have a proper relationship with the practices. Today at the temple, I felt a sense that I was contributing to something- this is the proper sense. When I participate in a ceremony or retreat, it is beneficial for me to feel a sense that I am doing something as part of a community. That won't always be the case; sometimes the practice is lonely. But when I am reciting in the temple, I like to feel that I am expressing gratitude to the teachers, and also that I am participating in a cultural ritual (like any religious service) which, hopefully, intends to support everyone on their individual paths to truth, self expression, service, and realization/success.
Now, I have to examine my relationship to my other serious spiritual practices. First, my meditation has not been consistent but I am practicing qigong everyday. My meditation is not consistent because I am in a lot of physical pain and by body cannot sit comfortably whether in a chair or on the ground. Going to a regular yoga class has been fantastic and I can feel the physical benefits and psychological benefits. Really no problems there, although I should try to meditate quietly for at least 10 minutes a day.
Finally, I have felt the need to examine the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, the main purpose of this blog. There is no doubt from my position that it can be a wonderful practice with tremendous healing benefits. Yet there is information that i have recently become aware of, from other respected Buddhist teachers in Malaysia, that are nor supportive of this practice. I think like most good things, there are drawbacks. In Guan Yin Citta, there are practices that must be undertaken with great care and responsibility. There are practices that do not conform to traditional forms of Buddhism. So I understand the controversy. But for now I have to believe that the good outweighs the bad. This practice can bring tremendous healing to people with devastating illness. It can help people to have smoother passing or transition from this life... But as much benefit as there can be, the risk is very serious. Probably more risk than most other Buddhist practices. But maybe more benefit too. Guan Yin Citta is like a really good medicine that must be given at a proper dosage or else there can be complications. Because of this, I have a hard time recommending the practice to others, although I have. The only way I would recommend the practice without any qualms is if a person has an incurable or untreatable physical or mental illness and there is nothing else that is effective. Guan Yin Citta can be miraculous. But for healthy people, the risk and responsibility may not be worth it. This is my view and comes from my own experience and impression. I think it is very likely that there are many others that have experienced such tremendous benefit that they would recommend the practice without hesitation. I am still reciting "little houses" regularly, though not as frequently as I'd hoped. I am finishing at least 1 or 2 per week. It is my current view that most of those who have used the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door have experienced good health and spiritual benefit. But I am certainly interested in hearing of people that have used the practice who have had a negative experience, just for informational purposes. If something is doing much more benefit than good, I believe that it will generally be accepted in time, even if there continue to be those against it.
I have asked prayed to my higher power, to the beings or teachers who i feel have an affinity with me for guidance. And as I wait for their call, I trust that a search for truth will always yield some fruit.
"Whenever I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they may seem invincible, but in the end, they always fail. Think of it: always." The ending quote from Gandhi, a fantastic movie and something I saw again last night.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Meditation Goal
I did not complete my meditation goal of one hour continuously every day for 80 days. I got to about 55 days. It just proved too testing for my present physical and mental condition. I will probably undertake a similar meditation goal in the near future, maybe 30 minutes a day for 80 days. That, I can handle.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
About 1 per day
I'm going at about a rate of one little house per day, but it's not easy. My physical health is quite poor and it's difficult to recite. The improvements are very clear and positive. When I first moved into the house I'm in now, it was a living nightmare. I could hear other voices and my health was so poor that I did not think I would be around for very long. In fact, last year I had several consecutive dreams that told me "you may have only a year left [of your life]". After I attended the local Tibetan Buddhist center (and began being an active participant), many miraculous things happened. I attended the Dalai Lama's birthday celebration last year and during that event the voices stopped. It was amazing and wonderful. Many other wonderful events have happened, but it has been a nearly unbearable struggle despite these positive events. I feel like I have one foot here and one foot in the spirit world- when I really need to have both feet firmly planted here. But still, that's an improvement. Last year at this time, I had two feet in the spirit world and I was suffering terribly. I couldn't recite little houses at all, I had very little physical or mental energy. So I am so grateful that I have been able to recite so much and I really just have to be grateful despite the long odds at my recovery. There are different types of recovery and I have recovered in more ways that one, maybe not in the way that I hoped yet. Hang in there, Cam...
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Death Cafe
I was invited to the Death Cafe this last week by a friend. I was able to share information on the Kwan Yin Compassion Practice (Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door) and what it is about. I was pleasantly surprised that several people were interested and took the flyers I brought with me. I will be teaching the practice to someone on Monday as well. Hearing from everyone in my group was inspiring and added to my understanding of death-related issues; right-to-die, discontinuing medication, and what relatives have to go through when caring for those with terminal illnesses and illnesses such as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Keeping Moving. Sharing?
I have been able to recite 2 little houses each of the last two days, which is a big accomplishment! I am making good progress and it looks like I will be able to share the Kwan Yin Compassion practice (Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door) on Thursday; I really hope that people are receptive and interested in trying the practice. I have experienced about a 20% improvement over the last 5 months and I know others have experienced similar or greater results in recovering from mental and physical health conditions. I am hoping that, as I recover, I will be able to share this practice with more people. It seems like people in general are not very willing to believe in something like this. At first, I was only interested because of the wonderful experiences I'd had in Buddhism. But people of all faiths have experienced good results from this work. Some people have experienced miraculous recovery from dementia, coma, and severe forms of cancer. I only hope that I am blessed enough to be able to spread this practice to those who are receptive - then I will feel that I have done my job in helping others to find their own healing; the kind of healing that I have found.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
86 Little Houses
Today I completed the 85th & 86th little houses out of my goal of 800; 800 is the amount that can lead to a full remission of schizophrenia - based on the belief and understanding that this illness is usually caused by karmic retribution. The little houses help to pay the karmic debt and then the mental health and overall well being of the patient improve. My new years goal and vow to Kwan Yin was that I would recite 300 LH's this year ( so about 1 a day). I have only done 10 this month, so I have to keep up the pace of doing them about 1 a day to get back on pace. Overall, I would say that my mental health and well being has improved about 15% percent since I began this goal of 800 LH's, which is exciting and it makes me want to share this practice, and this breakthrough, with others. Will that opportunity come?
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