Good Signs

I was able to complete two little houses today, which is rare.  To have the mental and physical energy to recite that many mantras (430+) in the span of a few hours is truly a gift.  When I look back just 8 months ago, it would take me a week to recite one little house.  This is a significant milestone and I am very grateful.  I had pretty good dreams overall last night and a few wonderful things happened today; so giving thanks, giving thanks...

Keeping Pace

I had some mixed dreams last night.  But I woke up and things went pretty well.  There were improvements in all areas of my life.  By the way, I have been keeping pace with my little house goal; I have been reciting about one a day.  I was able to work a little bit on the children's story I've been writing about a grove of pine trees on a small mountain as they sing and weather the seasons and emotions of life; and how one tree overcomes tragedy with the help from a man who finds solace and strength in his adventures on the mountain.  When I was writing, I started getting excited - and then some of my symptoms spiked, so I realized I had to calm down and rest.  All the improvements I've experienced are not worth putting out all my energy on this story - even if it does excite me to work on it...

1 little house, Sunday Chenrezig Meditation

I recited one little house today and I am working on a second.  I attended the Tibetan Sunday Chenrezig Meditation at 10a and I did a crab release later.  My dad and I went to get soil for the raised bed in our backyard.  I had a tough morning...I have a serious physical illness that takes everything I have to get through every day - on top of the mental health struggles.  It's a strange life, considering what life was like 4 years ago when I was pretty healthy, pursuing professional athletics, and waking up happy, confident, and excited every day.  Now my body feels 80.  Actually I have a close friend who is 88 and he's in great health - a lot better than mine.  So my body feels 100. 
   I hope to recover more.  My dad and I were talking about heading out to the mountains after the winter.  Or possibly spending some time in Ashland, Oregon.  Life is more precious now.  It was precious before and I had tons of gratitude.  The difference is now I have to be grateful for some of the pain for teaching me.  What will I learn from the pain?  Can I take these lessons into my next life?

Reciting

I recited two little houses in the last two days; the reciting is going fairly well.  I have more energy to recite and I feel that the results are very positive.  I am still not in a place where my dreams are telling me how many little houses are needed, like they did when i first started this work.  Whether that comes again or not, I am moving forward and I am finding success in my goal.  Is it easy? No. Will it get easier?  Many things are possible...

Coming off a Bad Day

Two days ago, I had a pretty bad day.  I experienced some terrifying dreams as well, and it's taken me awhile to get over it.  Things went well yesterday and things are going well today, so I have reason to stay positive and practice gratitude.  I still go into shock sometimes because I've had so many terrifying experiences in the last year.. The big challenge is being able to move forward throughout tragedy, difficulty, and confusion.  How do I move forward?  Gratitude.  Gratitude for the people in my life who have made me feel accepted, special, powerful, important.  Thank you!

Trip to Big Sur

     I have improved a lot.  Last year, I couldn't have even thought of a trip to Big Sur.  Going that far would exacerbate symptoms and I wouldn't have been able to enjoy it.  This week, though, I was able to not only go, but enjoy it as well.  It still wasn't easy at times.  I have much more fear than I ever had before.  Before, I didn't have to stay so focused on doing the right things and keeping my mind as calm as possible.  The internal struggle is beyond what I could have understood before.
     I have been able to really appreciate my Dad and his journey.  Although at times I get frustrated by his attempts to control my Buddhist work, he told me on our trip that it's just because he really wants me to improve and he doesn't want me to overdo it - which actually made me feel pretty good
    But I more than got through the trip, even though the last few days were a bit rough.  I was able to recite one little house during the trip and I felt some improvement in the night terrors.  As I am writing this, I had a particularly difficult dream last night; but the night before was really positive.  I am looking forward to getting back on pace a little bit, and I will write back with changes - positive or negative - as I hopefully return to my normal pace of recitation.
    I am on day 6 of my daily 1 hour meditation goal for 80 days.  I have noticed clear improvements in my life and my well-being.
    Today, I am feeling slightly overwhelmed and very spent.  Physically, I would appreciate greater energy and ease.  I am looking out at a distant hurdle and these goals of mine are that hurdle.  Like anything in life, once we jump a hurdle, we still have a race to run.  I think I am scared about my future.  I also have a serious physical illness and I just don't know how many years my body can take this stress of physical and mental disease.  I guess I hope that by doing my meditation goal and by reciting little houses I will be able to have a much healthier and balanced life.  So maybe I am putting a lot on this goal - maybe I need to adjust the goal.  I think getting successfully to age 30 with greater health is a fantastic goal. 

Pursuing my goal

I completed the rest of the fourth little house since starting this blog, so that's four days.  I can feel that some negative energy from my energy requesters has lifted, hopefully they were able to move on to good places for spiritual growth and transformation.  If I continue my pace I will reach my monthly little house goal.
     Attending the fire puja yesterday seemed to have a calming effect on me, although my dreams were pretty difficult, reminding me to be cautious in my efforts.  I was able to do my hour of meditation in the morning and some healing energy came through my leg and my body.  At one point, my whole body shook. 

My Dreams, and my meditation goal

   Recently, my dreams have been improving.  More positive, which makes it easier to get through the day.  One of the energetic healers I'm working has said that some of the pieces of my consciousness that had travelled out and are reintegrating back into my body and mind.  I feel that my dreams are the best gauge of how I am doing.  When the dreams are poor, I generally have to do much more work to get through the day...
   I completed 3 little houses in the last two days, which is a fast pace.  I won't quite finish the one I started today, but that will still be 4 in 4 days, which is the best I have done in a long time.   I have also set a recent meditation goal of sitting in one period for a least one hour each day, for 80 days - which wasn't too difficult before this illness but is now very hard.  Thankfully, it is doable right now, and I couldn't have said that last year around this time.  It is written in a Buddhist sutra that meditating specifically for a period of 60, 80, or 120 days, and then doing a brief ceremony of repentance or gratitude on the 21st day can bring healing benefits.   It is my hope that this meditation goal will benefit others, and bring more harmony and health to my family.
    I attended a fire puja today at Vairotsana Tibetan Center.  It was led by a female Rinpoche from the East who was extremely kind.  I was able to help a little bit in the preparations and in the feast afterward.  The healing energy there was very warm and bright.

1st post: I'm not sure

      Let me start by saying I am not sure if it will work.  I am currently living with reactive schizophrenia, which started about one year ago, and it has taken away by ability to lead a normal life.  It is the intent of this blog to document my journey, my goal of improvement and eventual recovery from this mental illness.  The basis of this blog is the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door at http://guanyincitta.com/en, which has been used successfully to heal schizophrenia and other mental and physical conditions.  This healing work involves reciting a combination of mantras and filling in dots representing the mantras recited.  The paper (called a little house) is then burned and sent to one's "energy requesters", who are beings or foreign spirits that occupy one's body and etheric field, which cause a host of illnesses.  When there are auditory hallucinations, it is possible that this is due to foreign spirits which occupy the body.  Sending little houses is a form of paying back debt to these foreign spirits, so they can leave our bodies, be able to proceed to favorable places or rebirths, and allowing us to live more full lives. 
     In my case, this issue was diagnosed by a qigong master before it turned into schizophrenia.  After class, this master took me aside and told me that there were foreign spirits occupying my body (someone who had been trained in the special ability to see the energy field) and they were causing physical problems.  Soon, these turned into sleep disturbances, including sleep paralysis, where I would have terrifying nightmares and then wake up fully conscious and not be able to move my body for a few minutes.  I was told that this was an issue of "spiritual possession" by a qualified master, so this is not a case of me making this up.  I was even told that sometimes issues like this can turn into schizophrenia, so I was prepared ahead of time.  That being said, the secretary at Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door has said that with 800 little houses recited, there is a good chance for improvement.  This will take several years, as after 3 months I have only done about 20. 
      I will continue to post updates and improvements about my progress; I hope that this will inspire others who are suffering from schizophrenia or other disorders of mind, body, or spirit to seek out the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door.  People of all faiths have had good results; and I have seen improvement so far as well.  The biggest improvement has been that I have the mental energy to do more, including reciting mantras.  Several months ago, I could not even recite one little house for myself because my mind was so scattered and weak.  I had terrible thoughts and auditory hallucinations.  Now these are still present, but greatly reduced and more "in the background".  My life is still extremely difficult and the amount of courage I've had to display to get through each day is more than I ever imagined putting out.  The most difficult thing right now is the terrifying dreams.  I will write back soon about the dreams...and more..