The last several days and weeks I have been doing soul searching. It has been difficult, but very healing. One of the main considerations that has been coming up is where Buddhism fits into my life. In the past, after many successful periods of meditation, and sutra chanting, I have had very strong faith in the path and have been very comfortable in adopting many vows and commitments. In doing so, I have found much joy and freedom. And, in doing so I have occasionally felt confined. Some people say, "why the vows? why the commitments?" My answer would be the freedom I've found in self-restraint. But like anything, it can go too far. I've grown to understand that anything that becomes too one-sided is not desirable, heck it can be dangerous. I think that is why wise teachers advise using moderation.
So, I have felt a need to assign Buddhism a place in my life rather than the other way around (Buddhism assigning me a role). Not that anyone has demanded anything of me on the path. I have never been a monk. I have had great teachers, some quite strict... but they've all been fair, helpful, and brought me great joy. I think the feeling really comes from myself; the feeling that I in debt to Buddhism and the teachers. But this feeling will drive you wild- it's not healthy. So I've had to step back and look at my spiritual practice and faith and decide what I want- and try to define my own rationale for what the purpose is.
On the surface, it's not extraordinarily difficult because my spiritual life has given me joy and a sense of well being and contentment despite periods of tremendous adversity and struggle. How would I have fared without Buddhism? Not as well as I have, that is certain. As I sat in meditation practice at the Tibetan temple today, I was reminded that above everything else the person I am is what is important, as well as the decisions I make. And though I have great reverence for Buddhism, i have to remember that is my whole life that is also important- not just what I accomplish or fail to accomplish on my spiritual path. I would hope that my path would involve me approaching Buddhism and meeting it the way I am rather than having to conform to a certain special way of being or set of vows. That being said, I will keep the vows I have made because they have benefited me. But if something doesn't sit right, I am fully prepared to let it go. If I feel something is not supporting my best quality of life, what I feel that needs to be, I need to be able to abandon it for awhile or let go of it altogether.
What is the best quality of life? It may be an austere life, or a life of hard work, or a life of simple pleasures and good relationships. If you have the freedom to decide what that is for yourself, it is an amazing blessing. Not everyone gets to. I have at times, and at other times I haven't at all. I am careful to be as positive as possible, because I understand that I am always slightly at the whim of the higher power and, possibly, the realm of the ancestors. I can say, "Oh, I want life to be this way or I want to approach things like this, or I want to pursue this" but I know as well as anyone that as circumstances change, sometimes they don't seem to change in our favor. I had many years that i couldn't walk and it looked like I may not walk again for the rest of my life. I have a tremendous physical illness that has probably dramatically shortened my life and definitely caused more suffering that I can comfortably take. And probably as a result of this physical illness, I now have a devastating psychological illness. These circumstances cannot be avoided or overlooked... they have affected me deeply. But I also can't dwell on them too much. It would not be wise. And part of enduring a lot of suffering is learning to be wise with one's energy and words.
So now as I look forward... no, as I look to the present (!), I feel a need to examine my spiritual practice. First of all, I have asked myself if there is anything that needs changing. And what is the purpose? I have been practicing Tibetan Buddhism for just over one year. Before then, I practiced a form of Chinese Mahayana Buddhism for 5 years. Before then, nothing. I have adapted a consistent "Ngondro" practice, which hasn't been difficult. Yet it hasn't been easy, either. My mind is not as quite or free as it once was. So I cannot always enter a mental state of peace and trust which is so important to doing good spiritual practice. Also, I always have to remember how important it is to maintain a sense of joy or general goodness or a wish for others to have happiness and well being. Empty reciting it's very helpful for anyone.
Why do I do the Ngondro practice? Three reasons: 1) because I have faith in the teacher I have learned from (Tulku Orgyen Phuntsok) and this is a practice that he has done daily since he was a kid. 2) Because I have wanted to follow the proper teachings of this lineage, Nyingma, as close as I can so that I can experienced great spiritual and general health and well being (and it's not easy; the retreats which have helped my health so much are very arduous). 3) Because I was attracted to the text and felt a sense of comfort in reciting.
The Ngondro practice and accompanying Nyingma practices that I have adopted, such as the Sengdongma practice and Guru Rinpoche practices, I will continue with because I have experienced good benefit. I just want to have a proper relationship with the practices. Today at the temple, I felt a sense that I was contributing to something- this is the proper sense. When I participate in a ceremony or retreat, it is beneficial for me to feel a sense that I am doing something as part of a community. That won't always be the case; sometimes the practice is lonely. But when I am reciting in the temple, I like to feel that I am expressing gratitude to the teachers, and also that I am participating in a cultural ritual (like any religious service) which, hopefully, intends to support everyone on their individual paths to truth, self expression, service, and realization/success.
Now, I have to examine my relationship to my other serious spiritual practices. First, my meditation has not been consistent but I am practicing qigong everyday. My meditation is not consistent because I am in a lot of physical pain and by body cannot sit comfortably whether in a chair or on the ground. Going to a regular yoga class has been fantastic and I can feel the physical benefits and psychological benefits. Really no problems there, although I should try to meditate quietly for at least 10 minutes a day.
Finally, I have felt the need to examine the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, the main purpose of this blog. There is no doubt from my position that it can be a wonderful practice with tremendous healing benefits. Yet there is information that i have recently become aware of, from other respected Buddhist teachers in Malaysia, that are nor supportive of this practice. I think like most good things, there are drawbacks. In Guan Yin Citta, there are practices that must be undertaken with great care and responsibility. There are practices that do not conform to traditional forms of Buddhism. So I understand the controversy. But for now I have to believe that the good outweighs the bad. This practice can bring tremendous healing to people with devastating illness. It can help people to have smoother passing or transition from this life... But as much benefit as there can be, the risk is very serious. Probably more risk than most other Buddhist practices. But maybe more benefit too. Guan Yin Citta is like a really good medicine that must be given at a proper dosage or else there can be complications. Because of this, I have a hard time recommending the practice to others, although I have. The only way I would recommend the practice without any qualms is if a person has an incurable or untreatable physical or mental illness and there is nothing else that is effective. Guan Yin Citta can be miraculous. But for healthy people, the risk and responsibility may not be worth it. This is my view and comes from my own experience and impression. I think it is very likely that there are many others that have experienced such tremendous benefit that they would recommend the practice without hesitation. I am still reciting "little houses" regularly, though not as frequently as I'd hoped. I am finishing at least 1 or 2 per week. It is my current view that most of those who have used the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door have experienced good health and spiritual benefit. But I am certainly interested in hearing of people that have used the practice who have had a negative experience, just for informational purposes. If something is doing much more benefit than good, I believe that it will generally be accepted in time, even if there continue to be those against it.
I have asked prayed to my higher power, to the beings or teachers who i feel have an affinity with me for guidance. And as I wait for their call, I trust that a search for truth will always yield some fruit.
"Whenever I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always
won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they may seem
invincible, but in the end, they always fail. Think of it: always." The ending quote from Gandhi, a fantastic movie and something I saw again last night.
