Today I am tempted to look back. Just a few years ago I was in a wonderful place in my life and I always have fond memories of that time. But the only reality is the one I am facing now, which is sometimes very difficult. Usually, I frame it as if I have been through a serious tragedy- which in fact I have- and their is some heavy PTSD around that. I mean, I couldn't walk at all for two years and even then I couldn't walk for more than a block with crutches. I never thought I would walk again; my legs didn't seem to be recovered. Now, my legs will probably never recover to their full strength and energy, barring a miracle; but I can walk again- and I can walk as far as I want.
I think I need to view my mental illness this way; as something that seems unlikely to recover from. The bad days have gotten significantly better and the good days are ok. But the general day to day is still very hard and somewhat like living in a "liveable" nightmare. But so was the knee issue. For two years it got worse and worse, but it did turn around even when it seemed impossible.
Looking back I remember how fun it was to have a body that really worked well and a future that looked really bright. Looking forward it is slightly hazy; I see the opportunity to work a volunteer job and continue my Buddhist practice. But looking forward is much more productive than looking back; even though it is much more difficult to look forward when you have a chronic physical illness and serious mental illness. I still feel like that person I was before and I can feel more of that self coming through all the time, but I have a ways to go. But the little houses are still going smoothly and I have been healthy enough to spend time with friends, release crabs, and get out in nature a bit. Looking forward? Yes!
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