I just finished a very intense 3 day retreat; it was probably too much for me in my current shape. I met some cool people and I am glad I went, but I am exhausted. I had bad dreams last night and I feel pretty "fried" this morning. I have been completing little houses at a good pace; I had three days in a row of completing 2 little houses in a day, which means there are good signs. During the retreat, despite so much activity (chanting, lecture), I was able to complete one little house each day. I had a pretty tough experience yesterday, where my thoughts were getting pretty negative and scary during the morning Drupcho practice. After the morning session, I went to the park to work on a little house. I laid in the grass for awhile and reflected on a few things; some of my sweet memories from the past and my memories of winter time. I was also thinking: how am I going to make it through my life in this shape? I'm only 27. The last year with this mental illness has felt like 10. It's only been one year- one year! Usually the answer that comes is that: well, you have to recover. And the wonderful thing is that the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door offers real hope of recovery and improvement.
I have improved tremendously but I am still seriously ill; I am not in the clear yet, and I do not have a normal life. I am holding out hope that one day, in this very life, that I will be able to say that I am 1) in the clear, able to move freely through my life without fear of mental disturbances and spirit harm and 2) that I have a somewhat normal life
Blessings to all who are suffering, may there be some bright spots in every day.
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